Baby Between Us?
The Globe and Mail published an article today titled “Darling This Baby is Coming Between Us,” by Adriana Barton, exploring the links between relationship health and the number of children. Life with children ain’t always easy, and too often couples experience heartbreak and tension rather than a blissful transition to parenthood.
In the article, Barton reports:
“in an eight-year survey of 218 couples, 90 per cent reported a decline in marital satisfaction after the birth of the first child. The recently published study noted a spike in communication problems and a crisis of faith in the marriage, especially during the adjustment period after the birth.”
Too often we see couples separate within the first year or two after birth, and we often find ourselves reflecting on how to better support our community of families through the changes. We’ve written about this topic before, including our posts Changing Relationships and The Secret to Date Nights. We’re even hosting a special workshop this summer on Changing Relationships. Clearly, this is a topic near and dear to our hearts.
We believe it is possible to grow together as parents and parents, rather than apart. Many couples we know are thriving as partners and parents with one, two, three and even more children. We would love to hear more stories of love that has grown stronger, and challenges overcome. Please do share below, and help us learn how to best support others.
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What do you wish you’d known about relationships after birth?
What’s the secret? How can we thrive as partners And parents?
Agreed, the article left me wanting some exploration of the flip side. Yes, becoming parents together, once, then twice has been super challenging for us too- but wow has it ever deepened and strengthened our marriage, our love and our respect for each other- and for that I’m so grateful.
Having a really strong foundation long before kids came along has been hugely helpful…and being creative in how to find time together to connect has been key- evening dates don’t work for us- childcare is tougher then and we’re both tired, so we do lunchtime dates! A new kind of power lunch
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For us, its ensuring we take time to nurture ourselves and our own interests, so we are first of all renewed and our “spark” is ignited- then perhaps we have momentum and energy to share with one another. I realized that time for intimacy, time together for coffee, time cooking together, etc doesn’t have to be a LOOOONG time for it to be a great time….so we enjoy the small moments between interuptions, thats all there is these days!! I don’t even really remember what was before what is now….maybe thats a blessing, but I love how our life is unfolding now and try to simply be present to it, day by day….
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I think what works for us, is “assuming goodwill”. We both simply assume that our partner is truly trying his or her best and that the less than optimal behaviour stems from real challenges, not just bad choices. Not that we don’t piss each other off! When I get overly critical or grouchy he looks for the root of my unease. When he withdraws or goes cold, I seek to gain closeness through physical affection and humour. Our sincere belief in each other’s basic “goodness” is what keeps our relationship happy.
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I know that, especially after our second, my husband and I started to ‘divide and conquer’ to get through the rituals of mornings, meals and bedtimes, leaving us with very little energy to connect afterwards! Recently we’ve started asking each other the ‘4 Questions’ over dinner (i.e. ‘Highlight of the day’, ‘Frustration of the day’, ‘What did you learn professionally/personally, ‘ What was most meaningful’) and have found it sparks amazing conversations, through dinner and beyond. It gives us both a chance to reflect on the day, rant if we need to in a supportive environment and find out about what is going on with each other. From there, everything seems to be flowing a lot better!
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I don’t really know the secret but I do know that when I stopped trying to see who deserved the hero biscuit more, things got more relaxed. I could never accept that my partner was tired because I felt that I was *more tired*, so he should suck it up. When he complained that he never got to do any of his activities, I complained that it was *way worse* for me. Accepting that the change is difficult for both partners and not trying to determine who has it worse has been essential for me.
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Thank you for this – I have been so saddened by how many of my friends are struggling in their relationships.
What is it we are mourning? The survey reported a decline in marital satisfaction – ok – satisfaction with What? We are clinging to what was,how it used to be together, and somehow the transition to the new ways we are going to be together is isn’t happening.
While our relationship isn’t perfect, we’re happy together. We have two kids and our “marital satisfaction” is quite high. A big part of what works for us, I think, is that each of us is growing in new ways for ourselves, and then sharing in that growth with one another.
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