The Other Mother
On her recent post blogger Mommy Instincts bemoans:
Why can’t I have it all together?….
I hear you, mama. I hear this over and over again from mothers. I hear it inside my own head all the time. As she writes, “I am in a constant battle with myself.”
I have this vision of what my life could look like if I just had it all together. A lot of it revolves around clutter – the stuff that takes up the space in my life. Some of it is “to do clutter” – you know, the things on the list that I haven’t dealt with, and as a result are weighing on me. Some of it is inner clutter – beliefs & assumptions that I would do well to set aside.
At the core of it all though is this inner belief that so many of us carry – that somehow all the other mothers “have it all together,” and only we are floundering.
While some may on the surface appear to have things “together” in ways you can only dream of, there is always something that has to “give”. Each of us makes our peace with our reality – our unique children’s needs, work & school schedules, our home space – and strives to find a balance that will work.
A balance that will work is a hard thing to find, but I do believe it’s out there. According to the dictionary the true meaning of balance is all about harmonious distribution. I find this enormously freeing.
The mythical life balance and “having it all together” simply isn’t out there – but I do believe that there can be harmony.
In these the final 24 hours of 2009, I invite all of you who are feeling out of whack to ponder: What will help bring harmony & ease into the year to come?
The shifts can be small, and they do make a difference. The first step, perhaps, is releasing our own inner judgment – the very foundation of self-care.
Reaching out and sharing our messy life with those we love helps us know that this struggle for mythical “togetherness” is a shared one. Thank you, Mommy Instincts, for bringing your own inner struggle to this public forum. You’re not alone.
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Time for “other mother” confessions – tell us about your piles, your lists, your inner battles with the mythical “other mother.”
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The best lesson my mother ever taught me was about life balance. She taught me that life balance was like a juggling act with various kinds of balls. Glass balls that will shatter if you left them fall and rubber balls that will bounce right back into play. The challenge is not to juggle ALL the balls, it is to figure out, at any given moment, which things are glass balls and which are rubber. when things are hectic I use this metaphor to sort life out. When things arise I ask myself if it is glass or rubber. Certain things, (my kids, my health, my relationship with my husband) are always glass. Other things, like work, are sometimes glass, but mostly rubber. It doesn’t mean that the rubber balls are less important, it just reminds me that if I already have a lot of glass balls up in the air, I can give myself permission to let the rubber ones drop for a time, knowing I will be able to pick them up again and they will be just fine. It also reminds me that the glass balls are delicate, need to be protected and cherished, and warrant special attention.
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Today I was blessed with the opportunity to walk a labyrinth with friends and colleagues. As I walked, I just noticed myself, my body, my thoughts, my emotions. “hmm, isn’t it interesting how I hold back…how I procrastinate?” and “oh, isn’t it intersting how I wait for others to finish before taking my place…what is stopping me?” and “I’m not walking meaningfully enough, I must not take this seriously, I need to be more serious abou this!” So many judgements (and tears) on my journey into the labyrinth.
Something funny happened though. In the middle, as I waited for someone to finish before I stepped “into my glory” (oh yes, the meaning I attribute to something as simple as the middle of a labyrinth) I looked around. There was everyone else…simply on their journey. Here I was, just on my journey. I looked out the window. There were trees, just doing there thing. A huge smile erupted on my face. I played with the way I walked out of the labyrinth. Sometimes I walked purposefully or took littles teps, or moved quickly. I spun. NO! Yes, I did!! I swayed, I bopped in time to the music. Not one thing I did changed the spot on which I stood. But I sure had fun.
I’m glad I had that palpable shift today, if only for a moment. I was right back to judging myself later for this and that (always for my dishes that are never done in spite of the fact that I intellectually know that dishes are never done. Like laundry.). Anyway, that shift…it was reminiscent of the feeling I get when I stop to smell the roses.
We just are.
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