Mama Renew

I’m going to Mexico with my mom this week.  In the past year we have celebrated our 40th and 70th birthdays, and she wisely proposed that we honour this momentous year with a shared adventure.

We’ve never done this before.  The most we’ve managed is an outing to the mall, a few treasured day hikes, and antique foraging. I haven’t spent this much time alone with her since our tour of east coast colleges when I was 17 – a mere 23 years ago…

It’s a beautiful gift, this time together – I’m stepping away from my family, work, and a greenhouse waiting for me to begin this years seedlings.  She too is leaving behind responsibilities at home, the church, her volunteer work and the garden club. We’re shedding our busy days with the hope to reconnect as women, and as mother and daughter.

As mother-daughter teams go, we’re pretty darned good.  We enjoy and respect one another, and share in our love of colour, antiques, sewing, cooking, and music.

Still, we lead very different lives, and at times we have both struggled to respect the other’s choices and lifestyle. Every visit includes one good squabble and cry, and my husband and brothers all now simply wait for it to come, and know that it will pass…

For this time together I will strive to:
1. Do my best to listen with my heart.  
2. Ask good questions.  
3. Be open to learning something new about her.
4. Enjoy her and have a good laugh every day.
5. Honour all that she has given me.  
6. Share openly about my life & choices.
7. Know that the love I feel for my boys is the same love as she feels for me.
8. Love and appreciate her as she is.

Here’s to hoping that what happens in Mexico,
comes home from Mexico…

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Have you ever managed to arrange for a glorious outing with dear mama friends and found yourselves just talking about your kids? It seems that when we’re together with other parents we can’t help ourselves. I remember coming home from my first baby playgroup and feeling thrilled to have spent 2 hours talking about cloth diapers.

Motherhood has a tremendous capacity to bring women together. The daily life of loving and raising our children brings a sense of shared experience that transcends cultural, economic and social barriers. Yet there is more to talk about than just our children…

Renewal: A Retreat for Mothers is unique in that we will bring together a circle of women at all stages in the journey of motherhood. Mothers of toddlers, tweens, teens, and empty nesters are all welcome. So far those registered have children ages 2 – 24. We have much to learn from one another.

Here’s the catch: We won’t actually talk about our children.

You’ll have the opportunity to introduce them to the group, share a photo and a symbol of their place in your life and heart. And then we’ll set them aside, knowing they are in good hands at home. Our focus for the 4 days and 3 nights will be all about You.

We will explore your journey as a woman and mother – who you’ve become, how you’ve grown, what you’ve set aside, what you celebrate and what you miss. Just you and a circle of mothers who have taken the same bold step as you.

As shared so movingly in this video by Kelly Corrigan, we live our life as mothers in circles, surrounded by others who offer us support, perspective, love, and understanding. We hope our time together will offer a powerful reflection of this shared journey we’re on.

See you there?   Space is limited!

For mothers of todders, tweens, teens & empty nesters

Visit the Mama Renew and Hollyhock websites to Learn More

or call Sarah at 604.254.1100

and Hollyhock at 1-800-933-6339 x232

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A friend screwed up recently.  Not in a big way – she just forgot to pick up the milk delivery from our house (again.)  We all screw up.  The important thing is what comes next:

Technique #1:  Avoidance

We’ve all done this one – just keep going, avoid eye contact, and hope nobody notices…and wallow in guilt.

Technique #2:  I’m Sorry

An authentic apology is indeed a fine art, requiring courage, empathy and the ability to look someone in the eye and own our mistakes.

Technique #3:  Get Creative

This may take the form of a gift or handmade card, or simply a wildly creative email that will leave the recipient in utter amazement so that they can’t possibly feel angry/frustrated/annoyed at you.  This is what my friend chose to do – a truly playful apology.  She can forget to pick up her 12 liters of milk from my overflowing fridge any time she likes if she writes me emails like this (names & locations have been changed to protect the guilty…):

GOOFBALL HOUSEWIFE FORGETS MILK AGAIN
Lets down family and friends

Associated Press
13 February 2010
Vancouver, Canada

In a development that surprises no one, Kathryn Miller, to all appearances a typical Canadian housewife, has revealed the depths of forgetfulness achievable by a truly scatterbrained specimen.

Having confirmed her milk pick up no less than 4 times with her associates the Juliussons and her husband, she could not explain to reporters how she managed to forget her three substantial jugs of valuable, farm-fresh local milk. “I had carpooling today! It’s our first day back to school! It just slipped my mind, okay?”, said Miller as she tried to get her younger child out of a minivan with his lunchbox and mittens.

A disappointed Ross Hanson, Miller’s husband and partner of many years, just shook his head when confronted with events. “Well, it’s happened before… so no one really… counts on having milk around here…”, he revealed when pressed.

The Juliussons, whose standard-size kitchen fridge is currently burdened with Miller’s milk overload, couldn’t be reached by phone for comment.
– Rita Skeeter

There is real grace in her playful response and forgiveness was easy – as Renee Zellweger says in the 1996 movie Jerry Maguire, “You had me at hello.” The time & creativity she put into her apology still have me grinning.  What better apology than that?

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This month’s Mama Renewed is Amanda, who describes herself as a mover and shaker – a lover of dancing and a soulful activist.  We supported her through new motherhood in a Mothers Unfolding group, and now as a seasoned mother with our new Mama Renew group on Vancouver Island.

About Amanda

I am mama to Cosmo-Rae, my wondrous four year old girl, and life partner to wonderful Kevin.  I’ve been working for the last decade as an organizer, advocate and facilitator in the student movement as well as involved in several social justice pursuits.  Three words to describe me are Loving, Compassionate, and Striving.

Why Mama Renew?

When my daughter was only 4 weeks old I joined a Mothers Unfolding group in Vancouver.   I was able to get some distance from my experience of complete overwhelm and learn to breathe for myself, along side my babe.  It is no surprise then, that when another major life transition occurred I immediately sought the support of Mama Renew.

I recently moved with my family from bustling East Vancouver to the beautiful Cowichan Valley.  I had a strong sense that Mama Renew would help me grow some friendships and community.  I also wanted to give one of the most precious gifts to myself;  dedicated time to explore my inner being.

New Insights

I discovered that what I have been doing for self-care since my daughter was born no longer meets my needs and desires.  When she was a baby I counted on deliciously long showers, dancing, and copious amounts of fantastic face cream each night.  The sessions gave me a chance to reflect on my core needs and doing so has  transformed my idea of self-care.   I now know that I do best when I create the time and space to go inward, feeling my core self and listening within.

I loved exploring the concepts of ‘village’ and asking for help.  These ideas are at the heart of my personal vision for the world and yet I often struggle to be intimate in community and won’t easily ask for help.

I also experienced the blessed richness that comes from women gathering with intent.  I was reminded how when women are given the chance to be real with each other, shared wisdom flows and we all become stronger for it.

Challenges

I often have a hard time knowing what to let go of and what to say no to.  I’m a yes person, seeing the mighty oak in the acorn comes easily to me.  However it can get distorted just as easily.  I want to learn the power of discernment -  learning to say no to the right things.

Moving Forward

Moving from a large city to a town, leaving my beloved work and watching my child make greater steps towards her independence meant that I needed to get some insight and find renewed inspiration for the journey ahead.  Mama Renew has done that for me and I feel gratitude.

The first in our series of Why Hollyhock? posts…if your little one is too young for you to attend our Mama Renew Retreat this year, let this be a nudge to remembering why Mama Time is so important.

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Imagine stepping out of the routine to a place where the only responsibility you have is to care for yourself.  No dishes, no work, no carpooling, no sibling squabbles.  Nobody else’s needs come first.

As you imagine such a reality you may find yourself thinking that you couldn’t possibly take 3 nights away from your family, or feel reluctant to ask for that much time & investment for yourself.

We have to step out of the routine to step back into ourselves. It has been said that we have to say a lot of small “no’s” to make room for a big Yes.

This as an opportunity to say a Great Big Yes!

Those of you who say Yes will be surrounded by stunning ocean, mountains, and spring flowers.  You will eat food so delicious and nourishing that you’ll buy the Hollyhock cookbook to try and recreate the goodness at home. You’ll soak in the oceanfront hot tub for sunrise or stargazing and anytime you please in between. You can choose from daily yoga, dance workshops, massage treatments, kayak outings and more.

Every moment of our time together is designed to nurture and inspire, gently nudge and deeply challenge, and give you the space and time you need to reconnect with yourself as a woman and mother.

See you there?   Space is limited!

For mothers of todders, tweens, teens & empty nesters

Visit the Mama Renew and Hollyhock websites to Learn More

or call Sarah at 604.254.1100

and Hollyhock at 1-800-933-6339 x232

Last night I was blessed to join in a circle of fellow Kindergarten parents to explore the theme of the “hurried parent.”  We began by each sharing a recent treasured moment with our child. You could see each parent’s face transform as they described the beauty revealed from those moments of absolute mindful presence with their child.

Me, I found myself reflecting on the routine moments in the day  -  bath & bedtime, meals, bedtime stories…  As a self-employed working mother these are my primary moments with them. I felt sadness as other parents described forest explorations and games, feeling the loss of the hours I am not able to share with them.

In our family we are striving to no longer use the word “busy”, but my life is indeed full. Very full.   I’m doing good work, and I know that my boys take pride in what I give to our wider community, and that my work is an integral part of what helps me feel whole.  This does not change, however, the sense of loss I feel as a working mother.

As we talked, I thought of these routine moments I share with them, and how beautiful they are.  We have our rhythms and rituals, our secrets and treats.  I can’t change how full my life is, but I can have both compassion for myself in this delicate balance I strive to maintain, and I can give my whole self to the moments I share with them.

Miss Ruth, the Kindergarten teacher, took me aside this morning and shared words of experience and perspective as a working mother.   It is good to know that we are living these full lives within a broader community, and the circle of support is there to both honour where we are, and give us that gentle nudge when we need it.

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Today is the first day of Spring, or at least traditionally it has been celebrated as such within the Celtic calendar.  And February 2nd, of course, is our modern equivalent – Groundhog day. Whether you’re still buried in snow, or seeing the first signs of spring (we found a crocus today!), here are a few musings on this ancient celebration.

February 1st is the festival Brigid, called Imbolc, which translates as “in the belly”, referring to the ewes who begin to lactate at this time of year in preparation for the birth of their lambs.  Brigid is the Gaelic goddess of poetry, healing, smithcraft (metal working) and fire.  Imbolc is known as a festival of the hearth and home, where candles and fires burn bright on this day to represent the pending return of the sun and the warm days to come.

Winter can be a long and cold time.  It can bring isolation for some, and getting out of the house sometimes feels overwhelming (20 minutes to put on snow pants, hats, gloves & boots and then they announce they have to pee – been there?  I have…) Spring is close, but it may not feel close enough.  Our culture is woefully lacking in ways to honour this transition from winter to spring, helping us feel the warmth that is ahead.  Here are a few ideas of our own:

Bask in the warmth and glow of some candles or a fire tonight.

Get out the seed catalogs & start planning this year’s garden!

In honour of Brigid, read through a favorite book of poetry.

Go out for a family walk & search for signs of spring –

green buds, snow drops, cherry blossoms preparing to bloom…

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A dear friend recently announced her New Years intention with a gleam in her eye:

“I’m going to do things just because I want to.”

So simple, and yet so complex.  Another good friend once shared this wisdom: “The baby comes out, and the guilt goes in.”  Based on our observations from supporting thousands of new mothers, we have to agree.  Our capacity for guilt is astounding.

Why not do exactly what you want?  There are many good reasons – safety, responsibility, obligations… We of course live in relationship with loved ones, work, and countless other responsibilities.  However there is an inner voice that sometimes emerges that perhaps we shouldn’t listen to – the one that says:

“That would be selfish” or “I’d feel too guilty taking time away” or “What if they need me?”

Now I’m not suggesting that life become “All My Needs All the time.”   This isn’t about neglecting the world around us, it’s about listening beyond our guilt voice and gifting ourselves with moments that are lived from the heart.

It could be a simple as sitting down with a good book instead of washing the dishes.  Or as grand as going on a weekend retreat simply because you need some me time.  Either way, you will reap the benefits.  Go ahead, do it Just Because You Want To.

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What do you want to do? Just because.

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On her recent post blogger Mommy Instincts bemoans:

Why can’t I have it all together?….

I hear you, mama. I hear this over and over again from mothers. I hear it inside my own head all the time. As she writes, “I am in a constant battle with myself.”

I have this vision of what my life could look like if I just had it all together. A lot of it revolves around clutter – the stuff that takes up the space in my life. Some of it is “to do clutter” – you know, the things on the list that I haven’t dealt with, and as a result are weighing on me. Some of it is inner clutter – beliefs & assumptions that I would do well to set aside.

At the core of it all though is this inner belief that so many of us carry – that somehow all the other mothers “have it all together,” and only we are floundering.

While some may on the surface appear to have things “together” in ways you can only dream of, there is always something that has to “give”. Each of us makes our peace with our reality – our unique children’s needs, work & school schedules, our home space – and strives to find a balance that will work.

A balance that will work is a hard thing to find, but I do believe it’s out there. According to the dictionary the true meaning of balance is all about harmonious distribution. I find this enormously freeing.

The mythical life balance and “having it all together” simply isn’t out there – but I do believe that there can be harmony.

In these the final 24 hours of 2009, I invite all of you who are feeling out of whack to ponder: What will help bring harmony & ease into the year to come?

The shifts can be small, and they do make a difference. The first step, perhaps, is releasing our own inner judgment – the very foundation of self-care.

Reaching out and sharing our messy life with those we love helps us know that this struggle for mythical “togetherness” is a shared one. Thank you, Mommy Instincts, for bringing your own inner struggle to this public forum. You’re not alone.

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Time for “other mother” confessions – tell us about your piles, your lists, your inner battles with the mythical “other mother.”

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We know that self-care is all about the small moments.  The five minute stretch, tea with a friend, saying no, asking for help…  Each of these nurtures our growth as women and mothers, and represent one step forward on the path of Mama Renew.  In honour of the small moments, we are excited to share with you our new biweekly email & blog update:

Welcome to RENEW

featuring one self-care inspiration

and links to our latest blog postings.

One short inspiring RENEW every other week
No more, no less, sweet & simple.

SNOW DAY!!!!

We realize that those words may not evoke feelings of pure wonder & excitement in all of you.

Along with the glory of a heavy snow fall comes the complete revisioning of the day ahead.  If you have school-aged children, you will know well the quick mental reshuffle that occurs when they are unexpectedly at home all day long.

We got an email from our younger son’s Kindergarten teacher today with the following:

In a circle of friends we were reflecting on favourite childhood memories.  Five out of seven had memories of sharing with family on a now day.  No pressure?! Really.

There is something special about a snow day.  The world is quiet(er).  The desire to bake grows stronger.  Perhaps we too can treat it as a Mama Renew day.  A day of play.  Of embracing the unexpected.  Celebrating our children and their utter glee.

Amidst it all, remember to sit down for a quiet mug of hot chocolate (with whipped cream, of course) while they play.

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Favourite snow day memories?

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Another Holiday Season is upon us.

A busy time, yes, but also one when we are deeply aware of the importance of family and tradition, and the cycle of the seasons.  As we navigate the holiday parties and gift lists, our sense of connection with the fundamental rhythm of the season can be diminished.

It is interesting to note that in labour, a core coping approach for most women involves some element of rhythm.  Rocking, moaning, swaying, breath, each of these offers a sense of ritual, a grounding in something that feels solid in the midst of the unknown.

In this busy holiday season we also long for rhythm, seeking some sense of connection with our foundation of family and tradition.  In her book Seven Times the Sun, Shea Darian writes:

“The rhythm of family is a crucial catalyst in restoring the rhythm of the world.”

Perhaps our best response to the whirlwind of the holiday season is to return to our first rhythms, those of our family.  A daily family walk,  bedtime songs, faith traditions & pizza night.  Each of these helps to create a safe space in which we and our children can feel held in rhythm with our needs rather than drawn into the needs of the world around us.

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How do you create rhythm within your family?

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Stop and reflect for a moment.

If you look through your family photos, how many images include you?

Even more telling, are there any photos just of you?

Not you breastfeeding, not you with a toddler swinging off your hip in a sling, not you on a family hike, not you pushing a swing.  Just you.  On your own.

Imagine.

If you have been wise enough to include such photos in the family collection, we applaud you.  We’re guessing, however, that you’re a lot like the rest of us and maybe only have a few, and of these maybe only one that you actually like.  Or maybe even none at all.

In a recent Mama Renew group my dear friend Nancy, photographer extraordinaire, gifted each woman participating with a photo session.  Just for us.  No kids allowed.  No partner.  Just mama.

What a beautiful gift.  And a perfect way to strike absolute terror into my heart. Just of me?  I tried to bargain, asking to include the kids.  At the root was my fear – what if I didn’t like what I saw?

Soon after my 40th birthday Nancy reintroduced me to myself through her lens. She came with not only her camera, but the desire to capture my way of being in the world.  Her images will serve as a testimony to my unique beauty, and who I am as woman today.

Thank you, Nancy!

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Our Mama Renew challenge to all of you?  Find a Nancy.

She may be a professional photographer, or a dear friend.

Let yourself be seen through someone else’s eye –

and may you find beauty in your own reflection.

Recent Status Update from a Mama Friend: A mini skirt is a detriment in vinyl covered east Texas.

Here we are in 2009, more and yet less connected than we ‘ve ever been.  The social media phenomenon known as Facebook has brought together many old friends, some dear, others distant, many all but forgotten until they showed up as a Friend Request.

Spending time with some teenagers recently revealed their wonderful habit of transforming random moments in the day into rather brilliant facebook status updates. This quirky habit soon revealed a benefit (beyond having a vibrantly active facebook page!), allowing us to share our lives with honesty, humor, and insight.

There is much beauty and experience to be shared, even in an ordinary day. Discoveries and reflections, successes and quandries, each present us with an opportunity to share with our broader community a glimpse into the authentic experience of our lives. You never know how your words may inspire, challenge or amuse a “Friend” in their own life.

Our challenge to you:  if you’re on Facebook (and if you’re not, kudos to you – and stay that way!), make your next status update one that shares more than just the rain or your day at the zoo. Here are a few ideas:

1. Feeling inspired by a blog post or youtube video?  Share with friends by creating a link using the Share This button at the base of the blog post.

2. Reading a great book?  Pick out a special quote to share.

3.  Share the quirky moments in your day, the ones that help friends get to know you in new ways, and remind them to find beauty and humor in the unexpected.

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