Ok, let’s start by conjuring up images of what it means to live beyond our means:  Reckless and extravagant spending, no limits, whim as the primary determinate of spending rather than pure need…  The notion of “means” I’m exploring, however, goes far beyond our family finances.

While the finances part of this is essential, for me, right now, it’s all about our “means of energy and time, and how we spend them. A friend brought this idea of living within our means up recently and I just can’t stop thinking about it as I go through my days.  I put So much energy into living within my means financially – why is it so hard to hold those boundaries for myself when it comes to energy & time?

When I look at my life I see a lot of roles – mother of two growing boys, wife, 4 businesses to run, caretaker to a 5 acre farm with roughly 40 chickens, one cow, a baby water buffalo, and a cat, and the rather lofty goal of meeting 80% of our family food needs from our own land through year-round gardens, animals, and extensive food preservation.

Where do the “means” of time and energy fit into all of this? None of the above is even possible if I am too drained to function in a healthy way. A big part of it is knowing when to say “no” and “this is enough”. It’s letting go of the extraordinarily high expectations I have of myself and being comfortable with something that is less than my ideal, yet in all likelihood more than good enough.

Here are a few of my ideas so far – I welcome your ideas, or examples from your own life:

1.  I’ve put on a far back burner a few work projects that I’ve been feeling guilty about not completing.  Clearly, they are not a priority right now, so it’s time for me to respect that.

2.  Frankly, preserving enough food for the winter has led me to question more than a few times what “enough” is – maybe 3 jams per month should be enough – instead of 5… To help answer this question, I’ve devised a new food tracking system organizing all our preserved food by month instead of type so we can see exactly what we end up using each month and how much we should make in 2012.  And I suppose that the very fact that we’ve designed a spreadsheet should indicate to you how over the top we are – sigh…

3.  Maybe it’s about planting more onions and potatoes, and less of the beans that need constant picking and canning…

4.  I’ve made a work schedule for myself that includes a few blocks for creative time (I always seem to be too tired at night for this) and fitness.  It adds up to a good 35 hours of work per week, but if it works my hope is that work time will feel more energized and focused because other needs are also being met.

This may be sounding like a dreadfully functional weekend away.  Schedules?  Food tracking systems?  Garden planning?  Fear not, we also enjoyed all of the wonderful things you might anticipate a couple doing on a weekend away from their children. Besides, I assure you – excel spreadsheets can be very exciting….

I came across this poem this evening, thanks to Karen Maezen Miller of Cheerio Road, and find it to be just about perfection for how I felt today:

The Word, by Tony Hoagland

Down near the bottom
of the crossed-out list
of things you have to do today,

between “green thread”
and “broccoli,” you find
that you have penciled “sunlight.”

Resting on the page, the word
is beautiful. It touches you
as if you had a friend

and sunlight were a present
he had sent from someplace distant
as this morning—to cheer you up,

and to remind you that,
among your duties, pleasure

is a thing that also needs accomplishing.

read the rest here… – you’ll love it.

Wishing each of you some sunlight amidst the green thread and broccoli.

Blessings,

Sarah

Late Saturday night mama bear emerged.  We had just finished a glorious day and evening at Island Folkd Fest, returning home far after bedtime with two tired children in arms.  While waiting for the shuttle a drunk woman arrived, muttering and stumbling about.  Out came the car keys for her car, strangely parked just there, and I stood stunned that with over 20 bystanders, nobody was taking action.

A moment’s hesitation as she got in, and then mama bear arrived.  Stepping boldly forward (I’ve always wanted to step boldly forward, sounds so heroine-esque!), I blocked her from closing the door and calmly told her I didn’t feel it was safe for her to drive, asking her to please give me the keys.  And so began my first girl fight.

Seriously, my first fight ever.  Age 42 and I had never ever been physically attacked, had to defend myself or wrestle another human being down.  Yes, this is the charmed (and very sober!) life I’ve led…  She thrashed, screamed profanities, and proceeded to bite down hard on my arm as I struggled to get the key away from her as she started the ignition.  I knew in that moment that I had no other choice – I simply couldn’t let go.  I could not, as a mother, as a fellow human being, allow this woman to drive away.

At this point my hero of a husband jumped into the car, trying to keep her from driving away, ignition still on…  By this time others stepped in – sitting in the back seat of the car with the doors open, running to get security for assistance.  Me reaching in repeatedly trying to get that damned key out of the ignition as she tried to break my fingers & bite me again.

Ultimately security arrived and were able to take over for us, as we gathered our terrified children and jumped on the waiting shuttle bus.  No sleep that night, and another two days since full of thoughts about this 5 minute window in my life, and our children’s lives.

They saw it all – they saw both their parents step forward and take responsibility, and they saw both their parents being beaten by a woman who was too drunk to listen.  They’re old enough to remember this one (7&9).  I feel tremendous guilt for not having been able to care for them, leaving them to watch without being able to preserve their innocence.  We simply had no choice.  I pray to god that the memory we carry is of their parents doing the right thing, of their mother caring for them by caring enough to step forward.

The deep bruising and tooth marks remain on my arm as a reminder.  I have a new understanding of the importance of groups such as Mothers Against Drunk Driving, and a new appreciation for the power of mama bear.

Gratitude for our safety, and one less drunk driver on the roads of our community.

Love,

Mama Bear Sarah

Want to read more?  Here are my husband Rick’s blog musings on our experience – http://ricksturningpoint.blogspot.com/2011/07/how-to-stop-drunk-driver.html

Then I went inside and used My power tool:  The Sewing Machine.  When my first beloved sewing machine died I found myself in an unexpected quandry.  I had to buy a new machine, and while we technically had the savings to invest in this way, I just couldn’t bring myself to spend the money.   Bottom line – I didn’t feel I was justified in spending money on something that I wanted, something that wasn’t for our family.

I know that was silly of me – of course it was for our family – think of the cost savings in sewing curtains, pillows, clothing… But somehow it felt extravagant, unnecessary, and even selfish.

What turned the tide?  Watching my sweet husband casually buy himself a series of new power tools – each one with it’s own unique purpose and earnest justification.    Who knew how many different kinds of saws one might need?  As the daughter of a devoted tool man, I should have known better, but still…. Really? Another one?

One day the epiphany arrived.  A sewing machine is a power tool. I plug it in, it makes noise, and I use it to make things.   Much like the cuisinart, the mixer, and the juicer,  it serves a clear functional role in our family life.  I promptly went out and bought myself just exactly the machine I wanted without guilt or hesitation.

I’m writing this in part to share this (for me at least) radical insight, but more importantly to bring up the question of investing in ourselves.  Over and over again in our groups, we have seen moms struggle to justify investing in themselves.  It’s easy to buy clothing for the kids, or pay for a sports camp – and often not so easy to pay for something that feels like it’s only serving our needs.   There always seems to be something that is more “important” to spend the money on.

Maybe this is just my thing.   I’ve always had a hard time spending money on myself.  But I suspect I’m not alone… Thoughts, mamas?

If you haven’t yet entered our giveaway contest for the Make Stuff Together book, you have just 2 more days.  Check out our review here & post your comment on our facebook page to be entered to win!

I am one of those crafty mamas, at least in my heart.  I wander through holiday craft fairs and cruise etsy and ravelry for inspiration.  I adore fabrics and wool and have a stash of both that is overflowing the hutch and bins I had so generously designated as my craft space.  My list of things I want to make is rather long, and my intentions are good, they truly are.

Here’s the catch – since I became a mom my crafty side as taken a back seat.  Like the back seat of a school bus.  And I only have two kids.  When I do manage to work on a project I am in pure bliss.  This is my meditation, my release, my happy place.

The boys have grown older (now 7 & 9), and to my delight – they love crafting too.  So I am utterly delighted with the new book Make Stuff Together: 24 simple projects to create as a family.  Written by Bernadette Noll & Kathie Sever, mavens of the Future Craft Collective in Austin, TX, it is filled with funky homegrown craft projects for us to do together.

This Saturday we sat down together and went through the whole book 3 times over until my boys selected the juggling balls as their project of choice – a gift for father’s day   It was the most delightful of days – between playing with fabrics and getting such pure focused time with my boys, I was one happy mama.

The other bonus?  I was inspired enough to jump back into my crafting piles, and am now making the fridge into a chalkboard, sewing a dress, and creating fabric panels for our front hallway.  High on the list from the Make Stuff Together book are the family talisman , and the appreciation banner -  both beautiful ways to foster a sense of connection and celebration within our family.  And the boys have already sourced an old wetsuit to transform into their new hiking bags (pictured at right) & water bottler holders. 

I have one copy of Make Stuff Together to give away this week.  To enter, simply comment on our facebook page sharing your current craft project (something you either are already doing, or would love to be doing).

Thanks, Bernadette & Kathie, for helping us to remember how much fun it is to make stuff together.

Today we received an email from a woman concerned about the use of the phrase “working mother” for a Mama Renew group we are hosting for mothers who work “outside” of the home.   Here is our response – we welcome your thoughts and perspective as well.  This is not an easy topic!

To Mama Renew,

Re: Offering a Mama Renew group for “working mothers”

er … all mothers are working mothers.
I don’t draw any distinction between paid or unpaid in my definition of working or not. Most mothers are working unsalaried in roles which prop up the rest of society and don’t deserve being classified as non-working.  It is definitely a tricky classification but getting it wrong risks alienating a whole section of women who are mothers.

Our response:

Agreed! The work of motherhood is real, and the lack of economic recognition of women’s contribution to society as mothers is a major issue.

Thank you for writing – I struggled with how to phrase this over & over again, seeking to phrase it in a way that would honour the very real work that we All do as mothers.  While I could have denoted “mothers who work outside of the home”, this phrase suggests that those of us who are self-employed and work from home, are not “working” or do not have “real jobs” – and in today’s marketplace self-employment – both part & full-time – is a major component of women in the work-force. Adding to the complexity is those of us on mat-leave or between jobs, struggling to discern the next best step as women and mothers.  Our culture has not yet allowed for language that can capture the essence of womens work – within and outside of the home.

I am writing this as a woman who has been self-employed and worked 20 – 40 hours a week from home on my business throughout the 9 years of my children’s lives, while also managing to be at home with them full-time. From the perspective of a mom who has worked “outside” the home, I am aware that mothers who are balancing “outside” work & the work of motherhood do have unique perspectives on the themes that Mama Renew addresses, and thrive when they can be in a circle of women struggling with some of the same questions.

For many women who return to their employment after having children, there is a sense of isolation that emerges – we go to work, we go home, and opportunities for building community with other mothers can be hard to come by.  This upcoming Mama Renew group was organized on the special request of a few mothers who do work full-time outside of the home and were feeling a strong need for community with others facing similar questions.

Words are powerful, and can hold very different meanings depending on the reader.   Interestingly, while we can all agree on the very real work of motherhood, just as the phrase “working mother” can be alienating to some mothers who work within the home, phrasing all mothers as “working mothers” can also be alienating to those women who are employed outside of the home and do not see their reality accurately reflected in the wider use of the phrase.

I wish I had an easy answer. I wish our society had better ways to acknowledge and support the work of motherhood, as well as the experience of those of us who are employed beyond the work of motherhood. I wish there were economic recognition both of the work of motherhood, and to support women who either choose or need to work “outside” of the home with quality daycare options and flexible schedules and job-shares. Mama Renew was created to nurture each of us in our unique journey – with the hope that taking some time & gaining perspective on our lives and choices we can all move forward in a way that truly honours who we are and nurtures our families.

***************
Gratitude to the woman who took the time to share her thoughts.  I now invite all of you to enter into this conversation. What is your experience of the term “working mother”?   I also welcome any further suggestions you may have on phrasing that would better honour the full spectrum of the work of motherhood.

Click here to comment…

Blessings,
Sarah

Gloriously pregnant, and pretty much Done with being pregnant.  I don’t actually know that feeling, having given birth to both boys at 38 weeks and 4 days – each time caught somewhat by surprise and before I truly felt ready to be “done”.  But I’ve been working with pregnant women long enough to know that exhausted but wild look in the eyes that says “Yes – this baby can come any day now, I am Ready.”

While I don’t know what it is to feel “Done”, I do know what it is to hold a newborn baby in my arms and feel my whole world change in a moment. The infamous words spoken to all expectant parents, “Everything Will Change”, so often spoken with a tone of impending doom, or at least perceived as such, are in fact wonderfully true.

Perhaps change isn’t the right word – it implies replacement with one reality gone, and a new one in its place.  I find myself more drawn to the word transformation – at the core we remain true, yet so many aspects of our lives are transformed, from our identity to our ability to pee at whim in private.  Mentoring groups of new mothers I often hear from them a sense of surprise at how far away their “old life” seems – just weeks postpartum it feels almost like a dream that there was a time when you were not a mother to this beautiful child.

This is such an extraordinary window of time in our lives as we wait for the day of birth. It could happen today, or 3 weeks from now, day or evening – it’s a pretty crazy thing when you think about it -  knowing that everything is about to change and yet not knowing When. How to honor this pending transformation?  Too often we are so focused on the changes ahead that we miss celebrating the Now.

I want to tell her to savour this time, to love her round full belly because she may well find that she misses it, to go out with friends and her husband for fabulous dinners and morning teas, to get as many massages as possible,  to enjoy a nice long sit on the toilet without being needed by another human being…

*****************

So I turn to you, dear mamas.  What words of wisdom do you have to share in this unique window of time?  If you could go back in time for a visit with yourself in your final days of pregnancy,what would you love to do for yourself?

Click here to comment…

Now I am supposed to be dosing our family with iodine, eating a whole lotta seaweed, stocking up on extra food and water, bolting furniture to the walls… And I just can’t bring myself to take action.  I look at the photos streaming in from Japan and New Zealand, and I KNOW that in a moment our lives could change forever, and yet I sit here in…

Read more & comment on our original guest post at the Mothering.com blog -

http://mothering.com/all-things-mothering/uncategorized/living-on-the-edge

Nine years later, I think my real downfall has been ignoring it for as long as I have.  Massage, physio, braces, acupuncture & more all served as coping measures along the way, until I tried something silly like knitting and would be right back to the pain.  Ultimately I just accepted it as something that I had to live with – never even got an official diagnosis.

Why ignore it like that? I’m a mom, I’m self-employed, I was pregnant or breastfeeding for many of those years, there was always something.  Even once I decided to have surgery, I waited a full 8 months to schedule it for a time when work would be a bit quieter and the garden not needing any weeds pulled.

I am only 5 days post-surgery, but already the difference is tremendous.  Four full nights of sleep without the pain of carpal tunnel – it’s extraordinary!  It has me thinking about the things we set aside, the needs big and small that we don’t listen to, the excuses made for not listening to our bodies.

So I’m one-handed typing this in celebration (and with just one hand it is taking awhile!) – here’s to finally doing what was needed, and reaping the benefits for years to come!

Things I am looking forward to:

Long nights of uninterrupted sleep from extreme numbness & tingling

Being able to actually hand write thank you cards and love letters

Opening jars myself

Long days in the garden without weeks of pain to follow.

Knitting & needle-felting & embroidery &…………….

***************

What’s your downfall?

Comment here…

This month’s Mama Renewed is Cari Burdett, mother of 3 beautiful children who shares with us words of wisdom on creativity, motherhood, and visionary self-care.

About Cari

I am a lover of life, music, children, good quality home cooked food and creativity. I am an opera singer, vocal improvisor, teacher of helping people give themselves permission to free their voice and sing sing sing, leader of song with children and more, gardener, alpaca & chicken host.    Three words that capture my way of being in the world are eclectic, inspired & joyful.

Growing up performing and then 10 years of Opera School, I defined myself as a singer.  Because of my life’s path (health and children), I have had to redefine that image and take a deeper look inside to discover who I am. I do know that without singing I don’t feel as much joy. As a mother, I want to be joyful  and so I allow myself to take time out to sing.

Why Mama Renew?

I took Mama Renew because I value connection and respect going beyond the masks to truth.  I admire how Mama Renew brings us together to evaluate and redefine our daily life.   I was seeking connection, witnessing, friendship, self-love and joy.

Lessons Learned

To nurture myself and ask every morning   ”What do I need today – right  now” and then to try and do it! I appreciated the confirmation that we need each other in this life and that it is fine to ask for help and support. I was grateful to learn how simple my basic needs are and yet how challenging they are to maintain..AND that it is possible to move towards a more balanced day that supports my basic needs.

Do I need help? Then ask for it. Do I need support? Then find it.  Do I need courage? Then dig deeper.

Do I need to cry? It’s ok to be vulnerable.

Redefining Self-Care

Self Care means to be honest and present for my needs.  I know my health effects everything I do – so I try to stay on top of essential basics, water, walking, sleeping and most of all- and I stress this – is that I take time to do things I love to do that nourish me – for me it is to SING.

I find I have to take occasional weekends or nights alone.. At this stage with a small baby again ( 8 months ) it will be a while before I do that, but I have continued to take one day every week to make music outside of the home and this is my salvation to finding that essential balance.  I also try ( and I say try because it is not often possible!) to give my self time to sing and create when the baby is sleeping and before the older children come home. When this happens WOW!! I also need to work in the garden about once a week to balance out the other parts of me, which includes cooking good food and keeping my counters clean.

On Creativity & Motherhood
As someone who pursued art for a career, it is always a HUGE question as to how to balance it while being a mother. If you let go of your art all together, we can get lost in the depths of depression . If on the other hand we believe that our own art is the only way to be, then one could lose out on family life and the joys of raising your children…

So where is the happy medium? At what balance do we find the way of  our true spirit calling and letting go of  the ego trip lust for fame – without letting our passion, creativity and inspiration all go down the drain?

We as mothers are allowed to make art and to find time for ourselves. I also believe that we can give ourselves permission to see the art that we already do in the home each and every day and learn also that it is enough at that moment.